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For many people, sex is something you do not talk about. We may brag to our friends or ask an occasional question, but talking about sex openly can feel shameful and uncomfortable.
Ultimately, this impacts sex itself when we only rely on our “body language”. We often avoid sexual conversations out of fears that we will be judged for our desires or give away that maybe we don’t know as much about sex as we’d like to appear we do.
However, talking openly about sex allows us to be more comfortable with sex and communicate our needs and fantasies. Talking about sex is easier said than done, so here are some ways to get the conversation started.
How to talk to your partner about sex
Talk about sex as a general topic. It can be hard to talk about the personal elements of sex when we struggle with the topic as a whole. Start having conversations about sex and sexuality and how it presents itself in the world. Do this with friends, family, loved ones, or anyone who is willing to engage in conversation It can help to normalize and get comfortable with talking about sexual content.
Get comfortable with the sexual vocabulary. It will be difficult to talk about sex if you cringe every time you say penis. Find the words you tend to be uncomfortable with and say them out loud. It may feel awkward at first but as you expand your confidence in your vocabulary, sexual conversations will be easier and more natural.
When it comes to communicating with a partner, it’s important to be open, honest, and vulnerable. And do approach conversations with the intent to be constructive, not critical. A good place to start could be talking about what sex means to you and your expectations about what sex looks like in a relationship.
As you grow more comfortable, you’ll be able to talk about your fantasies and how you like to engage sexually. It’s helpful to know yourself and your body if you hope to communicate that with another person. Masturbation can be a great tool for exploration and learning. As you understand what your body likes you will better be able to teach your partner.
Timing is everything
Lastly, try to time conversations about sex appropriately. Immediately after sex may be a good time to do a quick review, but larger conversations deserve their own space. It can be hard to open up fully when you are feeling vulnerable, and possibly still (literally and figuratively) naked. Additionally, as you become more comfortable regularly talking about sex it’s important to ensure you check-in when sex is going well, not solely when something is wrong.
It can be helpful to make it a point to schedule such check-ins from time to time. As sex educator and pleasure coach Whitney Miller suggests, schedule a sex date. Set time aside, light some candles, pour your favorite glass of wine, and make a cute charcuterie board. Then check in about how each of you feels about your sexual and emotional connection. This is the perfect time to express your needs or talk about something you’ve been wanting to try.
Sex is complex and it can be an intimidating topic to broach, but opening up allows for the acceptance and creativity many are hoping for in their intimate lives. So give it a try and maybe you’ll find just how freeing and fun it can be to talk about sex.
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