The Dark Side of Healing: When Growth Becomes a Burden

The Dark Side of Healing: When Growth Becomes a Burden

Healing is often depicted as an inspiring journey—one of overcoming hardship and emerging as a better version of yourself. But real healing is far more complex. Growth isn’t a straight path; it’s filled with setbacks, plateaus, and moments where progress feels invisible until you pause and reflect on how far you’ve come.

Yet, popular media often portrays healing in two extremes: either as a final destination to reach or as a never-ending climb, where self-improvement becomes an endless cycle of work. Much like Sisyphus, condemned to push his boulder uphill for eternity, many people feel trapped in the idea that they must constantly be “fixing” themselves.

While personal growth is valuable, the belief that healing must be relentless or that there’s an endpoint where you’re fully “healed” is misguided. Growth, like life itself, moves in waves—there are times for self-reflection and change, and there are times for rest, joy, and simply being.

When Healing Feels Like a Full-Time Job

Healing can become overwhelming when it turns into a task list rather than a transformative process. Researcher Brené Brown explains that perfectionism is often a defense mechanism—an attempt to avoid judgment and shame rather than a genuine path to self-growth. If healing becomes another perfectionist project, it can leave people feeling like they’re failing rather than improving.

Modern self-help culture often encourages deep self-examination, which can be beneficial—but for those who already tend to over-intellectualize their emotions, it can become a coping mechanism that fuels anxiety rather than relief. When healing is treated like a job, it can lead to:

• Guilt for not doing “enough” self-work—no matter how much effort is put in, there’s always more to analyze.
• Exhaustion from constant self-reflection, making therapy, journaling, or personal development feel like a chore rather than a tool for growth.
• Anxiety about falling behind, comparing your healing journey to others and feeling pressure to keep up.

If healing starts to feel like a full-time job with no breaks, it may be time to reassess your approach and incorporate balance, not just self-improvement.

 

Toxic Positivity & The “Good Vibes Only” Trap

Another common roadblock in the healing process is the pressure to always “stay positive”. The idea that you must avoid “negative” emotions and focus only on the good is a form of toxic positivity—a mindset that dismisses real struggles and forces people to suppress their true emotions. But emotions are valid experiences and toxic positivity more often than not invalidates real emotions. Emotions are our bodies way of communicating with us, the are ques that you might need something and it’s important they be understood instead of suppressed. 

 

For those who are familiar, the movie Inside Out highlights this concept well. Throughout the film, Joy tries to prevent Sadness from influencing the main character, Riley. But by the end, it’s clear that Sadness plays an essential role in emotional processing and healing.

Toxic positivity is harmful because:

• It dismisses genuine struggles, making people feel like they should “just get over it.”

• It creates shame around experiencing “negative” emotions, which are natural and necessary.

• It prevents authentic healing by avoiding discomfort rather than processing it.

True healing means allowing space for every emotion, not just the “good” ones. As psychologist Barbara Held (2002) points out, the cultural obsession with positivity can make people feel guilty for experiencing natural emotions like sadness, frustration, or grief. This “tyranny of the positive attitude” can lead to emotional suppression, ultimately making mental health struggles worse rather than better.

The Self-Improvement Burnout

Burn out is not just a term used for the workplace. Overloading on therapy, self-help books, and constant self-reflectation can lead to exhaustion and an overall avoidance all together. Feeling like you must chronically improve can add more pressure than relief. 

 

It is important to recognize when it is time to pause and allow yourself to simply be. If you are feeling like you’re never “doing enough” or the pursuit of personal growth starts to feel draining you may be experiencing burn out. You may also find yourself struggling to enjoy life without it being productive, or feeling guilty for resting or having fun. Seeking help might also feel like a setback, and relationships could become strained if you feel pressure to always be the “healed” one. If you notice these signs, it might be time to step back, practice self-compassion, and find a better balance between growth and simply being.

 

When Healing Becomes Self-Punishment

 

Trauma expert and Author of The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk describes how often we internalize the belief that we must “earn” healing through relentless self-work. This can create a cycle of self-punishment where rest feels undeserved, even though recovery actually requires self-compassion and patience.

 

The constant drive for self-improvement can quickly morph into self-criticism. You may be falling into this trap if you find yourself: 

• Believing you must “earn” your healing.
• Feeling guilty for resting instead of improving.
• Using personal growth as a way to avoid vulnerability or connection.

Emotional patterns have a way of repeating themselves. If you have experienced trauma you may have internalized the belief that you are deserving of pain and suffering. To actually heal would challenge that idea so instead healing turns into a means of punishment and continuous suffering. 

But healing is a process and one that requotes self-compassion, not just self-correction. It involves rest, recovery, and reflection. And it can be scary to truly confront deep rooted beliefs and face the unknown of forming new ones. And the reality is healing may come with big changes in your life, including loss. 

The Fear of Outgrowing People

One of the hardest parts of healing is realizing that growth can impact relationships. As you change, you may find that some relationships no longer align with your values, and that realization can be painful and isolating.

Not only are you navigating internal change, but your external world may shift too. While this can be unsettling, it’s important to remember that:

• Growth doesn’t always mean losing people forever—sometimes, your journey can inspire change in others.
• You will meet new people who align with your evolving self, just as you’ve outgrown some along the way.

Healing isn’t just about learning to handle emotions—it’s also about accepting that change is inevitable and trusting that you will find relationships that reflect your growth.

Permission to Just Be

If you’ve ever felt trapped in the cycle of toxic self-improvement, before you try healing in a more balanced and gentle way, there is one important step to take first. And that is giving yourself permission to just be, to accept who you are without improvement. 

 

Healing isn’t just about forward motion—it’s about self-acceptance. It is important to find joy and inspiration outside of self-improvement. This may be hobbies or friends or simply restful activities. Be sure to allow these things to be there for you to fill your cup. 

 

It’s also essential to recognize that your worth isn’t tied to your progress. The “future healed version” of yourself isn’t more valuable than who you are now, they are just different and maybe don’t face the same challenges or have more skills to deal with the ups and downs of life. Healing doesn’t make you more worthy—it simply helps you navigate life differently. You yesterday, today, and tomorrow are valuable because you are uniquely you. 

 

So if you are ready to accept your current self as well as your future self here are…

4 Ways to Break Free from the Pressure to Always Be Healing

 

Self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff (2011) argues that true personal growth isn’t about relentless self-criticism but about treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a close friend. But self-compassion is often easier said than done. Here are some ways to practice it: 

• Set Boundaries with Self-Improvement
  • Limit how much time you spend on therapy, self-help books, or deep reflection.
  • Give yourself permission to take breaks from heavy emotional work.
  • Recognize that growth can happen naturally through lived experiences, not just structured self-improvement.
• Embrace “Good Enough” Mentality
  • Healing isn’t about perfection—it’s about making life more manageable and fulfilling.
  • Accept that some struggles may not fully go away, and that’s okay.
  • Focus on overall change, not an idealized version of yourself.
• Make Space for Joy & Rest
  • Prioritize hobbies, play, and social connections that have nothing to do with personal growth.
  • Schedule time for relaxation without guilt—rest is productive.
  • Remind yourself that you are already worthy, even without constant self-improvement.
• Seek Support, Not Just Self-Reflection
  • Talk to trusted friends, therapists, or support groups to gain perspective.
  • Healing is not a solo journey—relationships can be just as transformative as introspection.
  • Give yourself grace, just as you would for someone you care about.

Healing is not a competition or a means of suffering, it is a lifelong process with natural ebbs and flows. Steady growth is always more sustainable than consistent sprinting. So take breaks, embrace imperfection, and love yourself just as you are imperfections and all. 

And if you would like professional support we at Peacefulway would love to help you. Reach out here for a free 15-minute consultation. 

Or new to therapy and want to learn more? Read This.